Monday, June 13, 2011

Looking Back to Look Forward

I am a little blue...About a month ago, the college where Ben and I work, graduated 119 students. As an institution, we are always sad to see these students go, but excited as they are going out to further the Kingdom. If we did our job right, these students are going out as new children of God set to transform the world through Christ-centered, servant leadership. It is exciting, yet also a bittersweet. Aside from on Facebook, we may never connect with some of these people again. As Addie and Seth were graduating, we didn't get to see many of them as our time was spent with family and friends at their graduation party, so we didn't even get to say goodbye to some.

However, that isn't why I am a little glum. I think I am sinking into a deep level of frustration. Frustration in where I am, what I am doing, what I am not doing that I wish I was doing, etc. I can't help but sometimes feel stuck here in Sterling. All these students are moving on, yet I am standing still...or so, I feel. So many different people around us are moving forward in their lives, yet, I feel like nothing new or special has entered my way.

However, I know that is completely not true. When I take the time to look back, I realize just how much I have accomplished so much this past year. I have almost completed my masters (I will be mostly done by November), added a new responsibilities into my job, served as a facilitator of a leadership workshop in St. Lucia, and many more.

Right now I have the Biggest Loser on in the background. This show helps people lose excessive amounts of weight. It chronicles a year or so of periodic "weigh in's" every three months by a trainer. Each quarter, they are given a goal of how much weight to lose and each quarter, the show's host, Chris, visits them to check on their progress. While a bit odd, this illustration paints a clear picture for me.

I have realized that in order to help myself see how "unstuck" my life truly is, I need to spend more time looking back and reflecting. My personality type is very future oriented. I am always making lists, feeling pushed to tick off the to-do item so I can accomplish more to try and get to my dream job. I have allowed my identity to be in the "stuff" that I do and when one does that, life will always seem a bit empty. I am consistently wanting to do more and get to the next big thing, however, I am missing the beauty of what truly are big things in my life because I am always looking for something grander.

I am missing the beauty of solitude. I have been drawn towards pictures of tranquil beaches in the Caribbean as I find myself longing for some time to reflect and let the Lord speak his peace to me. I want God to write my to do list...as well as my to don't list. I need to allow myself time to see the transformation the Lord is making in my life.

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